How to Improve One’s Self Esteem: A Therapist’s Real Guide
You’ve been feeling like you should have figured this out by now…how to actually like yourself instead of constantly second-guessing everything you say and do. You’ve read the advice, tried to “be more confident,” but it never sticks for long. The truth is, learning how to improve one’s self esteem isn’t about forcing positivity or pretending to love yourself. It’s about understanding why you stopped believing in your own worth and rebuilding that trust, one small moment at a time.
Here’s the truth: improving self esteem isn’t about convincing yourself you’re amazing. It’s about understanding why you stopped believing that and slowly rebuilding a real relationship with yourself. One based on truth, not performance.
I’ve spent over 20 years working with people who seem confident on the outside but feel like frauds inside. People who apologize for every single thing they say and do. People who can celebrate everyone else, but freeze when asked about their own strengths.
You didn’t always feel this way. Somewhere along the way, you learned your worth was conditional..that being yourself wasn’t quite enough. Let’s change that.
What Self Esteem Actually Is (And Isn’t)
Before we dive into how to improve your self esteem, let’s define it.
Confidence is about what you can do.
It’s situation-specific: you can be confident at work but insecure in relationships.
Self esteem is about who you are.
It’s your core sense of worth regardless of performance or approval. It’s the difference between “I made a mistake” and “I am a mistake.”
When self esteem is low, you might:
- Apologize constantly
- Struggle to accept compliments
- Compare yourself to others and always come up short
- Need external validation to feel okay
- Dismiss your own needs
That’s not a flaw. It’s your nervous system that learned your worth was conditional.
Why Traditional Self Esteem Advice Doesn’t Work
You’ve probably tried the advice you’ve seen on Instagram and self help books: affirmations, “self care,” or gratitude lists. But those things almost make you feel worse because afterwards you still feel hollow.
It’s because low self esteem isn’t a thinking problem, it’s a nervous system problem.
Your mind may know you’re “good enough,” but your body doesn’t believe it. It’s still wired to perform, please, and prove.You can’t logic your way into self worth. You have to feel it in your body.
That’s where Be Seen Therapy’s approach differs. Real healing involves both the mind and body. The Body Keeps the Score, and your nervous system must learn that it’s safe to be yourself, not just to perform and pretend that you like yourself.
Ready to Stop Proving Your Worth?
If you’re exhausted from trying to earn your place in the world, let’s talk. I specialize in helping high-functioning perfectionists rebuild their self esteem from the inside out using somatic therapy and AEDP.
Book a free consultation and let’s figure out what real self esteem work looks like for you.
The Real Work: How to Improve One’s Self Esteem from the Inside Out
Here’s what genuine self esteem work looks like. Don’t get mad at me, but there are no quick fixes, just steady change.
1. Notice When You’re Performing for Approval
Start noticing when you’re being yourself versus performing the “acceptable” version.
You laugh when something isn’t funny. You downplay your opinions. You shrink parts of yourself that might seem “too much.”
For one week, just observe when this happens: who triggers it, what you hide. Awareness comes before change.
2. Treat Your Needs Like They Matter
You’re probably amazing at caring for others… and terrible at doing the same for yourself.
Here’s your practice:
- Say no once this week without over-explaining
- Ask for what you need directly (even if that’s just saying you want Mexican instead of Italian)
- Stop apologizing for existing
- Do something just because you want to
Your body will freak out at first. That’s normal. You’re rewiring decades of conditioning that told you ‘I only matter when I’m useful to someone else.’
3. Challenge the Stories You Tell Yourself
That inner critic voice? It’s familiar, not factual.
When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m so stupid” or “I always mess up,” ask:
- Would I say this to a friend?
- Is this true or just familiar?
- What’s a more accurate version?
Example:
“I’m terrible mom” → “I struggle because parenting is HARD and I don’t know how to express my anger in a healthy way.”
It’s not sugarcoating… it’s context.
4. Learn to Receive Positive Feedback
If everytime someone tells you that you look great and you groan and tell them how fat you are: practice this: when someone says something kind, say “Thank you.”
Then stop talking.
Let your body feel the discomfort.
That’s the nervous system learning you can receive good things without rejecting them.
Understanding Where Low Self Esteem Comes From
You weren’t born feeling unworthy. You learned it.
Low self esteem often develops when:
- Your needs were dismissed or treated as inconvenient
- Love felt conditional
- You were criticized more than celebrated
- You learned being yourself caused discomfort for others
It doesn’t mean your caregivers were bad. It means your system learned you needed to earn love. Attachment research explains how early dynamics shape our sense of self worth.
Over time, that conditioning shows up as:
- People pleasing
- Perfectionism
- Overachieving
- Weak boundaries
- Harsh self-criticism
You might intellectually “get” this, but your body still reacts like you’re not safe to be yourself. That’s where somatic therapy helps, by addressing how your body holds worthlessness and shame.
A Real Example: Jennifer’s Story
“Jennifer” came to therapy looking fine but feeling empty. Successful career, loving family, yet she found herself apologizing for EVERYTHING.
Growing up, Jennifer learned that being “the easy kid” earned love. She stayed quiet, helpful, and undemanding. The message she internalized: I’m valuable when I’m not a burden.
Decades later, she was still living that way; overachieving, over-apologizing, never asking for help. Her body literally shrank when she talked about setting boundaries.
We didn’t fix that with affirmations. Through somatic work, we helped her nervous system learn:
It’s safe to take up space. Safe to need. Safe to be.
One day, Jennifer quietly said, “I think I actually starting to like myself now.” No dramatic moment, just calm truth.
That’s what real self esteem looks like, a quiet confidence rooted in self-acceptance, not performance.
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Struggling with low self esteem often shows up as anxiety, perfectionism, and people pleasing. Download our free Anxiety Relief Guide for practical tools to start calming your nervous system and building genuine self worth.
When It’s Time for Therapy
You can work on self esteem through self-awareness and daily practice, but sometimes you need more support.
Therapy helps when:
- It’s affecting your work or relationships
- You’ve “tried everything” and nothing sticks
- Your inner critic is relentless
- You can’t identify your needs
- You have trauma linked to self worth
The work we do focuses on helping your nervous system learn that you’re safe being yourself, not just performing. Through somatic therapy and AEDP, we explore:
- How shame shows up in your body
- What happens when you assert needs
- How to receive validation without shrinking
This isn’t about positive thinking. It’s about teaching your body that you can exist, have needs, and take up space and still be loved.
What Healthy Self Esteem Looks Like
Healthy self esteem doesn’t mean thinking you’re perfect. It means:
- Accepting yourself as you are, while still wanting to grow
- Needing less external validation to feel okay
- Making mistakes without self-destruction
- Advocating for needs without guilt or hesitation
- Receiving compliments with openness
- Setting boundaries based on what’s right for you
Confidence is about what you do.
Self esteem is knowing you’re valuable even when you’re doing nothing.
The Daily Practice: Small Shifts That Actually Work
If you’re serious about improving one’s self esteem, consistency matters more than perfection.
Morning (3 minutes):
Before checking your phone, ask, “What do I actually need today?” Write it down. Honor one of those needs.
Throughout the Day:
- Notice when you’re shrinking or apologizing unnecessarily
- Catch moments of people pleasing
- When offered kindness or praise, pause and say “Thank you”
Evening (5 minutes):
Write down:
- One moment you were authentic
- One need you honored
- One time you caught your critic
That’s it. Simple, repeatable, powerful.
You Deserve to Feel Good About Yourself
Here’s the heart of it: You’re not broken.
You just learned to see yourself through a distorted lens, one that said your worth was conditional.
Improving self esteem isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about remembering who you are beneath the performance and perfectionism.
You don’t need to earn your worth or prove your right to exist.
You just have to start believing …even a little.. that you matter and you’re good enough just as you are.
And if you can’t yet? That’s what therapy is for: to help you see what your inner critic can’t, and to give you space to simply be.
Ready to Start?
If you’re tired of performing confidence and ready to build real self esteem, reach out for a consultation.
We’ll work on the nervous system level, not just your mindset so you can finally feel at home in your own skin.
Frequently Asked Questions About Improving Self Esteem
How long does it take to improve self esteem?
It depends. You’ll notice small shifts within weeks, but deep change takes time, usually months to years. The longer you’ve lived believing you’re not enough, the longer it takes to rewire that pattern. But it’s absolutely possible.
Can you improve self esteem without therapy?
Yes!!! The practices we use at Be Seen Therapy help. But therapy is crucial if you’ve experienced trauma or feel stuck in old patterns. Somatic therapy and AEDP create a space where someone helps your body learn safety and worth from the inside out.
What’s the difference between self esteem and confidence?
Confidence is about what you can do.
Self esteem is about who you are.
You can be confident in your career and still feel worthless deep down — which is why fixing confidence alone never solves self esteem.
Does low self esteem ever fully go away?
Not exactly, but it transforms. You’ll still have moments of doubt, but they won’t define you. Over time, “I’m not enough” becomes “I’m still learning, and that’s okay.”
About the Author
Robyn Krugman, LCSW, specializes in somatic therapy for anxiety, perfectionism, and self esteem issues across New Jersey. With over 20 years of experience and advanced AEDP training, she helps high-functioning individuals stop performing their worth and start believing in it. Be Seen Therapy serves clients in Westfield, Scotch Plains, Maplewood, Summit, and surrounding areas offering both in-person and online therapy.
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